Monday, August 15, 2016

How to Break Your Electric Pressure Cooker

Listen close, ladies and gents: for what I'm about to impart upon you and yours is wisdom beyond your wildest dreams.

"How?" you are asking yourself, or perhaps a co-worker.  Your child.  Your life partner.  "How, pray tell, does one break an electric pressure cooker?"

The wait for the answer to that time old question is over.

BEHOLD:

One must start with a beef roast.

Not just any beef roast!  No, no.  USDA Choice from Costco.  3.37 pounds of pure, top round beef roast.

Oil your electric pressure cooker, for the roast must not stick if events were to unfold as the instruction booklet would imply.  But in this case, it does not matter.  Because the pressure cooker will break before it would.

Set the pressure cooker to the "Brown" setting and brown it.  Sear it.  Make it SMOKE.  

Attempt several times to flip it, and be sure to use plenty of soft spoken fiercely uttered swear words as the oil and fat from the roast spatters everywhere, including your arms.  

Achieve flippage!  And brown it more!  Sear it more!  Make it smoke MORE!

Remove the roast with as much grace as you can muster.  In my case it was less Mrs. Cleaver and more Mr. Ed.

Add onions.  Saute until softened.  Not a lot of flair needed here. 

Add lots of chicken stock and garlic powder and juice from yellow pepper jar and just sit there and let the heat steam your face as you inhale the intoxicating aroma of a feast never to come.

Add back the roast and finally notice that the entire unit is off.

Unplug.

Replug.

Unplug.

Replug.

Repeat for as long as you need to accept that the whole unit is shorted out and that you have a heavenly smelling broth and a well seared outside but raw inside 3.37 pound USDA Choice beef roast that will not be ready until 9 pm at the earliest.

There you have it.  Step by step instructions so that you, too, can be the proud owner of a 13.5 pound electric pressure cooker door stop.

It's MAGIC.

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