Monday, December 31, 2012

My Year

It is 2 p.m. on December 31, 2012 and I am drinking a Coke. I rarely drink Coke, or any soda for that matter. Occasionally when I'm out to lunch, I'll get a diet with a splash of the real stuff as a treat. Once in a blue moon, I'll get a real root beer. But usually, I don't drink soda.
 
Why am I drinking soda today? Because tomorrow, I cannot. For tomorrow starts the diet.
 
Yes, I'm about to embark upon a familiar quest, pursued by many and completed by few. Weight loss. Raise you hand if you are as over this whole "I'm On A Diet Again" rollercoaster as I am. Broken record. Old news. Same book read and re-read. How do I expect a different ending to this tired story?
 
My sweet husband thinks that is my weakness. That I'm ready to throw in the towel after 20 years of saying, "I'm gonna lose weight" and subsequently not doing that. That I'm cautious about hope. That I'm not quite sure what is so different this time.
 
But that's what I need to get a hold on. It has been so long since I've had true hope in success. I lost faith in myself a long time ago, long before Grace, long before Dave. I need to find it again. I need to believe that this time it will be different. That this time I will lose the weight, that I have so many great reasons to lose weight. Grace deserves a good role model, yes. Dave deserves a healthy partner in life that actually may live long enough to grow old with him, yes.
 
But what it really comes down to is that I deserve it too. This fat has been symbol of the way I have felt about myself for so many years. "I'm not worth it." "I deserve to feel ugly."  "I deserve to breathe heavily doing regular tasks." "I deserve to feel out of control when it comes to food." "I don't deserve normalcy."
 
I want to hug that naysayer and softly tell her, "Yes. You are worth it. You deserve to feel beautiful and move with lightness. You deserve to feel sane around food. You deserve to be in control, and you deserve to feel normal.  You do. You really, truly do."
 
I deserve to feel good about myself and feel proud of myself. As a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend, human being. A first step is taking control of my health. Getting on that elliptical a few times a week and working it out. Breathing through strong cravings to bury myself in pizza. Choosing a smoothie over fried eggs, bacon, and toast.
 
Can I be happy in a world without unhinged indulgence? Without pasta piled high, cheese in vast quantities, bottomless bags of Cheetoes?
 
Clearly, I'm not happy living WITH unhinged indulgence. So it is time to see how other people live, to see what a life that isn't consumed with thoughts of food moment to moment feels like. I deserve that chance.
 
I will find faith in myself, and then I'll find my health. Not sure about the moving with lightness as I'm a natural clutz, but you get the idea.
 
2013 is my year.